Category Archives: Business

Brewed In Hell

Bitches Brew Beer PackagingI’m not much of a beer drinker, and I never have been. I have started working in a pub and they always have loads of different types of guest beers on that change every week. Recently, I’ve had the chance to try and get more acquainted with different beers (mainly because I hate it when a customer asks me to recommend something and I have to admit I’m not sure, or ask one of my co-workers for help). I’ve found quite a few that I like now, particularly Camden Hells Lager, Rocky Head Zen American Pale Ale and Redhook Longhammer IPA.

Enough about taste, though – I’m sure you know what beers you like. When it comes to marketing beer, it’s quite rare to see branding that is particularly cool or eye-catching, with a lot of brands – particularly mainstream breweries – plumping for classic designs, paired with adverts that are geared towards men. I do find it a little uninspiring that there isn’t a beer that has been successfully, but subtly, marketed towards women. Not because I feel incensed that women are being ignored, but just because it seems like a bit of a no-brainer to me – men already enjoy beer, why wouldn’t you want to increase your profits by selling your product to women as well? I suppose that most attempts have been pretty weak, with breweries attempting to repackage their beers as girly alternatives to sparkling wine, making them fruitier and sweeter. That’s why this project for a fictitious brand of beer, Bitches’ Brew, is pretty great. I love the modern gothic design and I’d probably try and like Bitches’ Brew even if it tasted awful! It reinforces beer as a choice of drink for a woman who is cool and maybe a little bit tough – after all, it is a drink for ‘bitches’.Bitches Brew BeerBlack Cat Bottle TopBitches Brew BrandingThe design was done by Wedge & Lever, a California-based design studio. Unless they decide to actually start conjuring up this Bitches’ Brew, I suppose I’ll just stick to drinking spirits. However, if a brand were to take quite a dark, sophisticated approach to marketing beer to women, I reckon it could be hugely successful. Unfortunately, I have already found something called ‘Chick Beer’ which used Curlz MT as the font, with an emphasis on the lower calorie content of the product. Bitch, please…

Cameron, You’re Doing It Wrong

ImageOh, Dave. That’s not how you show off about your dinner on social media. You’re supposed to take a picture of the actual food – duh!

Confused.com Gets A Rebrand

ImageWell, this feels like it’s long overdue. Every time I saw one of Confused.com’s frequent TV ads, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Why are a company with such a huge marketing budget still using a badly-drawn, goggle-eyed, chronic alopecia sufferer as their mascot?”
Anyway, confused Cara (yes, they actually bothered naming her) has now been retired and they’ve replaced her with a cuddly robot. I guess he is kind of like Wall-E for travel insurance, or something. His name is BRIAN and he was created by Publicis. This is Brian, gazing adoringly at some engineers:Brian The RobotYeah, he is really sweet, actually…robots are kind of adorable when they want to be. But can he rival Zingy, the darling of TV’s current crop of mascots? Confused.com seem to hope so – as BRIAN has his own website and they’re trying  to make #BRIANTheRobot happen on Twitter.

Brand Addiction

This wry GIF, by New York-based illustrator Beomyoung Sohn, is part of a project called ‘Dummymen‘. The repetitive animation shows our mindless addiction to brands and consumerism as well as, presumably, our loss of individuality as a result. The project, which is still a work in progress, has got a really dark, nihilistic humour to it that reminds me of work by Banksy and Jake and Dinos Chapman. It’s amazing how many brand logos have been squeezed onto all the faces of each block; every time I think I’ve spotted all of them, I’ll see one that I haven’t noticed yet – like the ones for CNN and FedEx, which are partly hidden.

If you like this, then you’ll probably like the hilariously horrible cartoon by Steve Cutts that I posted previously.

Cardio Cinema

ImageI so wish that they had this in my gym! Instead, they play Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj videos…

I Need This In My Life: Nap Desk

ImagePerfection, by Studio NL. Imagine how great it would be to just crawl into this little nook when that dreaded 4pm energy slump hits you. It’s like a narcoleptic’s dream.

The ‘No Bullshit’ Guide To Interning

One of my articles in the second issue of We Are Collision.Image
The No Bullshit Guide To Interning

So, you wanna be an intern, huh? Haha, as if. Of course you don’t want to be an intern – interning fucking sucks! But chances are that you quite fancy one of those sweeet jobs where going to work doesn’t make you feel like a worthless sack of shit…and sometimes you actually feel like you had a good day! Well, you probably realise by now that, unless you’re incredibly well-connected, smug and privileged, you’re going to have to go and do a bit of slave labour to prove that you’re serious – otherwise, you’re not even going to get a look in. Here are some home truths about interning.

No one gives a fuck about your lame outfit.
So many interning guides seem to stress the importance of ‘looking the part’, which is mostly a load of bollocks. Truthfully, everyone in the office is far too busy to care what you wear, so just wear something smart, practical and comfortable.  A lot of internships involve a fair amount of carrying and lifting (returning those huge bags of samples to a PR agency? Sure.) so you’re going to look like a twat and be totally useless if you’ve shown up wearing a fitted suit or some power bitch heels. Having said this, do make sure you always check the dress code before you start.

You probably won’t get a job out of it.
Hate to break it to you, but getting a job at the end of your internship is highly unlikely. A lot of the time, organisations will say this to keep their interns motivated and focused. Fuck it, some of them even say it in good faith, but a lot of the time there just isn’t the budget for a new member of staff. In all honesty, I know some totally feckless people who’ve happened to get jobs straight after their internships, but it was simply a case of being in the right place at the right time. You need to view an internship realistically, otherwise you will drive yourself mad overanalysing every staff cut, every ‘well done’, every email, every fond look, every ‘you make the best cup of tea’ and you will begin to slowly feel that you’re turning into some kind of psychopathic deluded stalker. Yep. The best you can hope for at the end of your internship is a good reference, some genuine knowledge, new skills and perhaps a few new useful connections. Focus on those things and it might just keep you sane. It’s also prudent to start looking for a new job once you’re two-thirds of the way through your internship.

It’s time to drop all your bad habits from university.
University brings out some really immature qualities in some people. Having to intern five days a week is basically an opportunity to get used to working life. You might only be an intern, but you should still try and act like a professional wherever possible. Maybe it’s time to cut off all those festival wristbands now? They make you look like a bellend anyway.

Say goodbye to your social life!
You might as well just give up drinking for the duration of any internship. It sounds like a total bore but you probably won’t have a lot of choice in the matter – it’s normally a hassle finding money for bus fare when you’re interning, if you end up having one of those nights where you inadvertently blow £100 on sub-standard vodka, taxis and kebabs then you’re going to feel like a total fuckup.

Don’t be a try-hard.
Unless you’ve managed to score one of those cushy numbers where you actually get paid a proper wage, don’t bother doing any of that stuff like taking work home with you or anything like that, which brings me onto my next point…

Don’t be a dosser.
It’s hard, but leave all that social media stuff until your lunch break or when you’ve left for the day. Work diligently while you’re at your internship so that you don’t feel like you’re going to get in trouble for not having completed a task.

Wash regularly and get a reasonable amount of sleep.
This may sound like an unbelievably obvious point to make, but it’s crazy how many interns go to bed at 3am and then drag themselves into work at 9am looking sloppy because they didn’t have time to shower. You remember how I said that no one gives a shit about your outfit? Well, this is still true, but everyone’s going to care that your personal fragrance seems to be: ‘Sweat, vaguely masked by some kind of cheap scent’. Mmm, nice!

You should be enjoying yourself too!
I know I’ve made an intern’s life sound like a hellish existence, but interning is also a way of getting to know the industry you want to work in. If you complete an internship and you’ve had an awful time, it could be that that particular work environment wasn’t right for you; but it could also mean that perhaps your idea of your chosen career path was a little off the mark? Internships give you the chance to get a taste for certain industries without wasting a whole lot of time and training.

You can read the whole second issue of We Are Collision right here.